tw: likely mentions of pain, abuse, disability, alcohol/drug mentions, poverty, mental health issues, dark thoughts, su/cide, depictions of cartoon gore/weapons, swearing, other dark stuff. Also cringey as hell. Welcome to 2010 15 years too late.
comic inspo credit: Nyazsche
Looking for my good art? Look under the "my art" section of this website ^^
Feel free to repost my comics wherever (with credit).
What is Pointy up to?...
Scroll down for online journal entries :)
(without doxxing anyone)
I ordered a blahaj from ikea, today. He will be a new friend when he arrives. I'm broke as hell, but I need something to validate my coming out, even if other people haven't yet (if they ever do).
When I get my new wheelchair I'm ordering and slapping on a big ol' sticker that says "fuck racists" and getting some laughs when the people of my town get offended. Until then, I'm housebound, unfortunately.
Can't wait to go to my first Pride. Can't wait to be out of this shithole apartment, either. If I don't get somewhere better soon, I fear I'll go insane.
My donut didn't win the Blender donut (anything but Blender) competition, but here it is anyways. I drew it in ProCreate on iPad:
I don't think it was from lack of skill. Maybe picking digital art is a bit generic? Idk. Either way, still proud of myself.
Man, youtube recs are trash, lately. There's not a single thing I want to watch on the homepage. How utterly boring. But I'm too uncomfortable to learn right now, too.
I came out as openly trans today. New name (Leo), new pronouns (he/him). My counsellor accepts me, and so does one of my carers. Don't know about the others yet, we'll see. I guess I'm a late bloomer being 27, but I need you to understand my town is extremely traditional and so is much of my family. But I don't talk to them anymore, so it's fine. I can finally lose the constant shame of being called something I'm not. Better to have a few shitty people call me the wrong name and pronouns than everyone, constantly.
I'm temporarily putting my social media break on hold, until safer life circumstances.
What's unsafe, might you ask? Well, recently someone who was supposed to care for me broke into my house and threatened me. I can't be more specific than that, as there may be law enforcement involved for the situation, soon. It's that and my unsafe living conditions. It's causing me to be in profound levels of pain and discomfort. Until I get the interim accommodations that I need, for now it's about survival. It disturbs me that I may not survive. Not because of the person breaking in again, though that is a risk, but because of my dire living conditions worsening my disabilities.
Today is Sunday, and I've contacted everyone I can, but have been denied help due to it being outside normal hours, despite this situation's urgency. So tomorrow, I will call everyone that will listen and attempt to get the urgent help that I need. I've got this handled, so don't you worry about contacting anyone for me. Services shut down on weekends and holidays, which is a major flaw in the system, because disability and urgent needs never take a day off.
Weird side note, but we NEED a disco elysium spinoff with Cuno as the detective. He's a little shit but I love him so much.
It's hard to go cold turkey from social media, so I've decided to aim for moderation. To not let it take over my life. To me, that is success. I don't have to always avoid social media, but limit it to not overtake the truly productive things in my life.
Right now I'm recovering from an awful panic attack. I've been having these almost daily, lately. I thought they came from me having an infected tooth, but no, unfortunately. I got the tooth out and they haven't changed. It makes me feel extremely trapped in this town with no future for me here. Which, yeah, actually, that is exactly what is happening. There is nothing left for me here, in this town. I see no future for myself here.
I've been exploring anti-oedipus ideas. I've yoinked some ideas from it. I adore the idea of living centered around joy, self care, and love of others. I'm drawn to the chaos, too. This society does, in fact, feel oppressive, no matter what the system set up is, if it doesn't revolve around the community and caring for myself and others. I'm not saying I agree with all of it, just yet. I haven't finished reading the anti oedipus book, yet.
But I do find it utterly fascinating, these ideas. Schizo-analysis is a wild perspective to analyse the world through. If nothing else, it's beautiful to have another tool in the toolbox to analyze society from. To understand what's wrong and perhaps, how to fix it. You can analyse anything from a schizo-analytic perspective, too, not just capitalism. It works for religion and politics, too.
Today I woke up feeling like hot garbage. I felt like my head was in a washing machine, and like I was withdrawing from medications, even though I wasn't. I got up, brushed my teeth very carefully (I still have stitches in my mouth from my nightmare dental surgery a couple days ago), took my meds, ate something, then threw it all up violently. I think the sickness came from swallowing so much blood in my dental surgery. Eaughhh...
It's my birthday tomorrow. 27 years old. Still young, or so the old people tell me. "Still a baby," my carer said. Hope so. I don't like to think I pissed away my youth on suffering the way I have.
I'm quitting YouTube. Watching YouTube videos. I'm using my YouTube account to listen to music, and that's it. If I need tutorials, I'll look elsewhere. It just isn't worth it, anymore.
I swear a nap will make anything feel 95% better near instant upon waking. I felt absolutely awful, emotionally I felt like I had alcohol poured on an open wound, so utterly raw and disfigured that I thought I was a write-off, but then I realized I was tired, so I got comfy, closed my eyes, and fell asleep. I woke up, and I was okay again. Sleep truly is healing. It's imperative for existence.
I'm a little obsessed with sticker collecting. Makes me feel something good, for a little while. Well, at least it's not drugs.
I'm anxious because I feel like everything I worked so hard for is hanging on by a thread. All it takes is the people helping me ignoring one important aspect, despite my repeated pleas for help, and everything will be ruined. I don't trust the people in charge of helping me enough to just ask for something once. And for good reason, too - if I don't ask for something every day until I get it, I just won't get it. People "forget" things. In the past, I would say this is out of spite, or for a love of seeing me beg. So many people in the disability industry seem to get off on seeing disabled people suffer. Not just by being incompotent, either. There are some things I don't think I'll ever share online. It's sick.
I need to sell some of my paintings so I can make more. Painting is the only emotional outlet that really works for me, aside from ya know, the emotional release of being comfortable. And god only knows I can't have that.
I got advised I'll likely be rejected for the fully funded pre-trained mobility assistance dog due to technicalities. It's unfortunate, but I'll approach it from a different angle - I'll self-train a psychiatric service dog (and train it for some mobility related tasks on the side) if I can get the funding for it. If not, it'll be a while before I can afford to pay for training myself. Probably when I move to the city.
The PC I bought off ebay a while ago, turns out it's a dud. It's worse than my laptop. I'll have to re-sell it on ebay. I'll add an adapter for the next person, too, to connect a HDMI monitor. Hopefully I can get my money back, this way. I already have an ebay account, just gotta figure out how selling works.
However, I have some money coming in, so I'll use it to upgrade my laptop so I can use Blender better - I want to create better 3D models, so I can sell them - as well as buying some more canvases for painting, and if I have a little extra, some better glasses. It's been years since my last glasses update.
I'm lying here at my new bed desk with my cat. There's a few things to figure out, but still, life is good and I am glad to be alive.
I may not be the best, but it doesn't matter. I am not the guy who said he was going to do something, then didn't. I am the loser that tried. And that's the most important thing in the world.
I decided that I'll make comics like Nyazsche to explain just how fucked up certain things in my life are. I figured out I can host these images on a private Discord server and embed the links. If Discord ever goes down, then uh... oops.
Today I learned a bit about Blender, again. I downloaded the CG cookie cheat sheet from the course I'm doing.
I want to turn the cheat sheet into a large sticker at some point, for personal use.
Anyhow, the whole NDIS fiasco is finally making some progress. I'm getting the review, and I'm getting fitted for an electric wheelchair next week.
The service dog is also promising.
However, I am struggling to afford to eat this week, as I spent all my money on essentials the NDIS has refused to pay for up until this point. Basically no nutrition, and I'm hungry a lot. My cat is still eating fine, though, so don't worry.
I have to get a tooth extracted at the hospital at some point. Probably going to hurt a lot, but I'm hoping that it won't. I'll charge up my headphones and bring them to the appointment so I at least don't have to hear the drilling. It's always sounds that get me.
The dentist today that checked out my tooth wasn't accessible at all. They had a ramp but the doorway wasn't wide enough to get through so I was forced to stand up and walk when it was very painful. My pain is usually worse as the day progresses, until I can't really walk even for a moment without burning agony.
When my mobility gets really bad on a bad day, I feel like I'm made of stone, ready to crumble at the touch. Every little movement is painful. Breathing is painful.
I don't want to alarm anybody, but it can definitely happen to you. I did nothing to deserve this. Shit happens, ya know. It's not karma, it's nothing that I've done to make myself like this (as far as I know), I just turned 25 then boom, new "DLC" so to speak. But strangely, in some ways this is better. If I didn't develop physical disabilities, then I'd have stayed getting bare minimum help in isolation in a small room slowly going insane. Don't get me wrong, either way is hell. But at least this way I get the help I need, eventually. But good god, this has been an awful, nauseatingly painful ride that I wasn't sure I'd make it out of. I still don't know if I'll be okay even when I get the help I need.
It's strange, ya know. You have a childhood full of such interesting feelings, not a good one, but you still feel these fascinating feelings, then you become a young adult and you spend the entire time chasing the feelings you used to be given so freely.
Things will be better, soon. I know things can be worse than this, but only if this pain stays. I'll find ways to cope.
Today I created my first ever Neocities website!